Texting ban in Marietta should go much further

What a great relief it is to see a ban on texting in the city. Finally a forward thinking law that will save us from ourselves and all of those unauthorized users. The problem, in my opinion, is that the law does not go far enough; for we plebian dupes endanger ourselves each morning upon waking. Texting should be just the start. The next law must be a ban on passengers under 16 years of age. I know for myself that when driving with my kids, that they have done things to make me see spots; this is truly an unbelievable distraction. There should be no more children in vehicles in the city limits, they need to run beside the car as we drive or stay at the house and do laundry. Next we need to test anyone that drives through the city limits with a new ‘bifurcated operandi’ test. This primarily would test our skill at chewing gum and driving at the same time. If you can’t pass this test, check your gum at the city gates or go around. Drinking or eating your car? Nope! Close all drive-thrus immediately and prove to the police man at the restaurant exit that you don’t have any food or drinks in your car that would distract you. The next ban must be on crosswalks. Recently I was a passenger in my friend’s car when a very attractive young lady, properly dressed for summer, crossed in front of us. I of course did not notice her but my friend made an unauthorized observation and he almost missed the green light. This is a distraction of the most grievous type and cannot be tolerated due to the increased chance of an accident. The solution; no more crosswalks or perhaps no more green lights. The more I think about it, no passengers should be allowed as they are a great distraction. School buses with one child per bus would be OK, but only one person (the driver of course) per vehicle. Blinders on, radio off, no advertisements, no road signs, no day dreaming, no hot coffee and absolutely no road construction. By my calculations all of this can easily be enforced with an additional 838 police officers, give or take 300. Check points at all entrances, uzis on every guard, accusatory looks by all and only black cars on the road. Perhaps one car per street at a time is best to save us from ourselves. Look at the job creation, see the income from fines filling the cities’ coffers, oh what a boon! Now we no longer have to worry about the armory being economically viable for these fines could be directed to cover that mess. I quickly wrote this on an unauthorized illegal pad as I sped down Washington Street, swerving around every squirrel, looking for and adeptly avoiding all distractions.

Bryan Waller